The Sum Total

There is a delicious cruelty in comparing one's self to others. I am frequently guilty of it. Despite the initial mental flailing to scramble from that realm of self inflicted pity, it is so satisfying to slip into the familiar mantra of "I have nots." 

I do not have slim fingers or high cheekbones

I do not have his career

I do not have her way with words 

I do not have the creative spirit 

I do not have money

I do not have the love they have

I have not. 

I hear these words in my head and I listen to my friends say them, almost every day. We cut ourselves down into pieces and compare our pieces to others. 

Hands. Job. Tagline. Joke. Hair. Boyfriend. 

I realize I have lost sight of my sum total; the big soup of traits, looks, habits and experiences. I have treated the results of my entire existence as a collage of viciously scrutinized fragments. 

The sum total of a human being goes far deeper than the superficial elements we rely on to make ourselves feel like shit. 

I am the sum total of my good, bad, fine, weird, hilarious, beautiful, messy parts. And she's alright.